Quite the Escapoligist

I am about to drive myself insane with anticipation. Have done research (NON-STOP inclusive of smoking breaks. Damn I'm not even this hardworking when it comes to work) since 6am and now if my bags are oos in Italy thus causing Fiona not being able to get them for me. I am torn between throwing the biggest bitch fit E V E R or breaking down, crying so bad while repeating non-stop that my life is over. Though I have this strong gut feeling that I would do both, in successive order. Goodluck to me and please pray that I don't get my hopes up so high only to let it be crushed. But above all, PLEASE PRAY THAT I'LL GET MY BAGS PLEASE OMG PLEASE I'M WILLING TO BE A NICE PERSON FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR IF I GET MY BAGS. Please la omg. Got money to spend and cannot spend the feeling really damn knn gao wei one leh cb.

Omg I just realized I can never catch up on all the overdue pictures. There's hongkong in march, my various birthday celebrations in april, birthday presents, my actual birthday at USS and last weekend at Studio M then Quincy with Cl. OMG STRESS SIA. Think I don't upload sua hahahaha.

Can't get to sleep thinking about today. All that I have today. No this isn't another of those cryptic posts whereby you spend 10 minutes of your life squinting at your screen then saying "cb la what she talking about sia".

Today I am truly thankful for the people who loves me and cares for me more than I ever thought they did. Went for some radiowave surgery thing on my face to rid all the inner clogs and whatever nonsense ugly thing that's on my face. I really can't continue working at Chanel with a complexion like that and yes. I look goddamn awful without makeup. Who doesn't want to have good skin. I watch tv everyday and lament why don't I have good skin, I look at my friends and lament and complain about the same thing. My complexion really makes me feel awful every single day. So much so that I constantly have this wish of just peeling off the skin on my face and hopefully it will be something better. Probably most of you are gonna start thinking "aiyah cause you put so much makeup. Sure your skin like shit la" but really I still can't bring myself to blame makeup. I've been with Chanel for a year now. I've seen all my colleagues with the same amount of makeup on as me yet their skin remains flawless. I know proper cleansing and I practice that. So what is it about makeup. In the first place, I have so much makeup on to try to my best, hide that my skin looks awful. If I have good skin I would really go out with just a loose powder to matify my complexion or I could use nothing at all. I honestly hate the fact that I cannot be seen without makeup. When I'm at clarence's place, if we were to go downstairs to slack with his friends, I would rush to put something on. And that is just so fucking tiring. I just want good skin la okay.

So anyway, the radiowave surgery thing left me now with dried blood and scabs and peeling skin ALL OVER MY FACE. I'm not even joking. And the procedure hurt like a bitch. I started sobbing halfway through, I screamed, I was shaking and I was perspiring in a super cold aircon room. I came home looking like I've had a grenade thrown in my face with all my family gasping and commenting how awful I look. I really really really look hideous now I cannot even bring myself to call someone else ugly. (which is so rare, everyone should be glad for this break) and I've self quarantined myself for a week at home. I look so horrible that I think even if I go downstairs to try to buy food the people at s11 won't even serve me lor! Also they won't call me "Mei nu" anymore hahahahaha!

So feeling like crap, I'm basically stuck home with no food till 8plus at night cause that's when my parents would get back and buy food for me. It's fine with me since I can almost hibernate and sleep throughout the day. Damn straight, if no one bothers me enough I can just wake up at 7pm at least. Or 8pm.

But today I realised that I have the best people in the world around me. My family who now looks at me without flinching and buys me food, and they basically just let me be. Sleeping in till whatever time I want, drawing the blinds for me cause my skin would be sensitive with exposure to sunlight etc etc. And my mum even offered to wash my hair for me. I am thankful. Not everyone can accept their daughter coming home and looking like this ok. I swear their first reaction when they saw me could fight with the time when I came home in bandages all over after the bike accident. But that's another story for another day.

I feel so ugly and hideous that I told Clarence not to meet me for at least 2 days. Till my wounds start drying up and when I feel slightly better about myself. But today, he came over during his break in school to buy lunch for me, asked his friend to sign his attendance so that he could eat with me and spend more time with me. I really didn't ask him for any of that, and I told him not to bother. Swear. Yes I am demanding and unreasonable but I swear I told him not to bother and that I'll be fine. But he called me at 12 saying that he was outside my house asking me to open the door for him. I don't know which is more noble, buying food for me as he was worried that I'll be stranded at home without food (and I am fat so I am constantly hungry. Which he knows all too well), rushing down during his one hour break then deciding to skip his next lesson to spend more time with me then heading back to school for the last lesson or just being able to look at me still when I talk; sit next to me when he eats and spending the whole day with me after school without flinching. Telling me that I'll be okay in a few days, I don't look as bad, I'll be perfect soon, just constantly reassuring and comforting me. I think I've got myself a keeper. He says I always focus on the bad points in a person, but today really just made me more glad that I have this person in my life, as the love of my life. You all can say that it's not a big deal, but to me it is. Maybe because I never expected someone to just be this good and caring towards me in one of my ugliest and emotionally down periods, or maybe I've always been superficial. But what he did means too much to me. He says he's gonna buy me food everyday unless someone is home or I get better and I can take care of my meals myself. Even paying attention to what I should avoid eating for a faster healing process. I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve a person like this but I am just so thankful and appreciative of all of his efforts. Seriously la, this kind of guy where to find now!!! I say cannot find means cannot already ok.

And Fiona. We never were exceptionally close in secondary school. Hell we weren't even speaking much. But we've gotten closer over these past few years. Thinking back on these 3 years, the past 1 year especially. She has always always been there for me. And I mean always. Even at times where she whines that I don't let her sleep and all but she still listens and talks to me. After Clarence left for school today, literally like once he stepped out of the door, I received a text from her.

F: "You awake?"
Me: "Yeap yeap why?"
F: "Whoa. That's rare. Any plans not? Want me tabao food for you"
Me: "Wah!!!!!! Fiona!!!!!! I fucking touched by you really omfg. I really need to tweet this hahahaha!! You want to come all the way to AMK and tabao food for me and see my super scary face?!"
F: "Hahahaha. I'm not that great la. Coming down frm expo. Will pass by amk on the way back"

That just says it all. How is that not being great. Hello expo to AMK still far and she has to alight the train, walk to my place, buy food, bring up to my house. And I can't even walk her to the mrt station after that. Super touched, so touched that I just want to hug her and cry now. How does such a good and kind person exist in the world. And how is that person one of my very best friend. I am so so so thankful and filled with gratitude that I really feel like I should be vegetarian for a day to give thanks. Or I could entrust my bags and wallets and makeup to her in my will. Not like she likes any of them anyway but you get my point.

If a person like me who on general doesn't really like people can get such good people in my life, everyone will have someone in theirs. And because of this situation here and now, I have learnt that these people are so precious that if I ever lose them, my world would surely crumble and never be the same ever again. Heck I would rather lose my bags! (Other than my speedy, that is Clarence's gift to me for my 21st). I thank you all so sincerely and with so much love that it's hard for you all to imagine. But thank you and I love you so much. Just thought you should know xoxoxo

Fuck man. The best words to describe me would be GEI GAN. Seriously. I really don't understand the things I do to myself when I don't need to live like this. Urghhhhhhhh. So fuckin annoyed with myself now I wish I could just run away to somewhere where no one knows me and live there for a good period of time. Then again when I think of doing that, I feel that I'm letting my parents down cause in all honesty I wouldn't be able to leave them without a word. Why ah when I watch shows it's like damn easy to lose memories one ah? Fuck la I also know show only but I honestly wouldn't mind losing my memories. Or I could just keep the memories I have till I'm like. 8. After that I can lose all of that. I wouldn't be able to restart my life so losing my memories would be the easiest and most feasible way to restart life yes yes no? Fuck la still feeling damn annoyed with myself. It's like a feeling that's choking me and I can't swallow it down, I can't do anything urghhhhh. Fuck myself seriously. Fucking gei gan knn. Urghhhhhhhhhh. I disgust myself.

All I really really want is just to be happy, just to be happy, just to be fucking happy. Is it that difficult to achieve? It's not like I'm not at all. I am. For a good measure of time. But there are days like this where I sink into this disgusting mood of mine and I do horrendous things to myself I wish I didn't. Maybe I shouldn't be left alone this way. But what nonsense is that. People have to be left alone from time to time anyway. Haiyah I'm damn fucking annoyed with myself now seriously. Fuck this shit urgh.

Nope. I didn't let it go. But this time it's with no regrets as things went a different way than expected. I went a different way as expected. Maybe it was the truth when I said that I didn't want to know this time. A murmur while deep in sleep never made me laugh by myself so much. Last night I seeked warmth before I slept in my own bed. Tonight I'm turning in in a bed of another. I should still be seeking warmth if I haven't found it, but warmth found me first. It rushed through me when I opened the door after my shower. It's sources were a bed made for me to sink into, a thoughtfully placed pillow underneath a laptop the furthest it could go from it's powerpoint and a goodnight note pasted onto the laptop before anything. Warmth, what really are you when you come and go as you please. Leaving is cold and seeking for more when we've had more than our fill. Are we greedy or are you ever fleeting? Quote that resonates with me for the past few days "I was just a passing breeze you mistook for air. The breeze once it passes, it cannot return to where it was originally". Time to get rid of my exhaustion. Goodnight all. X

My blood ran cold. So cold that I thought it might have froze and that I would have dropped dead there and then. I went out for a smoke, then I realised that my feet and hands were both cold as well. The only warmth I got was from my cigarette. Now that isn't a very good way of achieving warmth, is it? My mind kicked into overdrive again. All the thoughts that I thought I have surpassed and left behind in 2010, where it belonged. Was there a way of truly leaving things where they belonged and never picking them up again? I thought I did. But they never did leave me alone, did they? Why do you have to strike when I need to rest. I wish they knew that I'm truly exhausted. But they never do know anything, else they would not find me when I've just been setting myself straight. My eyes just scanned through line after line. I watched the tobacco burn till it was approaching the filter before I felt a sense of relief washing through me. Was that sense of relief an epiphany just as I thought that it always was, or was it another of my self-comforting thoughts? I decided that I would leave it and throw it back to where it belongs. In the past, that's where it belongs. This time, maybe, just maybe, I truly don't want to know. Because nothing will ever be good enough for me. No answer be it well-constructed or something blurted out will ever be good enough for me. Perhaps I should start living with not knowing - as not knowing is bliss, isn't it? The pain of being aware, constantly aware, is killing me inside.
Just as I watched the cigarette butt flutter to the first level. I felt proud of myself. So proud that I wanted to give a shoutout on twitter. Then I reminded myself not to speak too soon. As I'm never one to let things be, am I? Work at 9.40am. I'm exhausted. I wish someone knew to what extent it is now.

WHO HAS NEW SUNNIES WHO HAS NEW SUNNIES WHO HAS NEW SUNNIES!! Clarence says I'll forget about it sometime this week but you can't really do that with a pair of cc sunnies, can you? Especially not with your first pair. Good lord I love my job. And to reward the company for hiring me, I shall resolve to be ON TIME for my shifts from November onwards. I am being realistic. If I'm not I would have resolved to punch in 5 minutes before my shift starts hahaha. I'm just aiming for being punctual and if not, then not exceeding 9.50am for morning shifts. Fuck this shit though it's taking attention away from my newest baby.

Which reminds me, I NEED TO GO OVERSEAS ASAP. Quit judging, there are really no better reasons to wear my sunnies out all day everyday. Speaking of which, I can't wait for too many things. 1. Can't wait for this year to be over. Please dear God please be sweet to me next year. And every year after following that. 2. Can't wait for this time again next yearrrrrrrr! 3. Can't wait for my pay L-O-L (I just got it a few days ago). 4. Next year is planned for 2 trips already both should be in consecutive months... OMG I NEED TO TRAVEL.

5. CAN'T WAIT TO. SLEEP. NOW. Still stoked about my sunnies hahahahahahaha and please don't even bother telling me that they don't suit my face shape and all that bullshit cause I really cannot be fucked about it. N I G H T  X

It's 16th of October today. And I don't know if you can recall an entry I've posted up in March saying just "16 October... ?". Yeah that was cause I had no idea that I would be spending the night before, in this bed like the past 2 years before, reaching down to dab a forehead glistening with perspiration beads before whispering "Goodnight" and turning to the other side. I would write something tmr but it just hit me that I want to fall asleep with just a person who means so much to me. 999 days. I say it's 999 days that I've been in love with the exact, same person that showed me a whole new dimension to life. (Of course my cynism to life now only allows me to speak for myself) And that's kinda something. Isn't it? I'm still reeling in shock that we could still get here. Despite this year. In all honesty I can't wait for this year to be over. Not like knowledge won't haunt me less but I just choose to believe that this year is just a bad year for me. And hopefully I look forward to the years ahead whereby I still get my pillow fluffed up by the person who isn't feeling the best yet still hopes for me to sleep well. Tmr night would be me, you and the view of a runway filled with airplanes taking off and landing down. I'm hoping it'll be magical but again I dare not to get my hopes up cause every single time it does, something goes awry. I'm just hoping for a good day and night. For me and all of you that I care so much about as well. If this post is a little to gross for your eyes to ingest, I apologize. It's been long since I've been so personal here and an entry that is filled with possible hopes for a good day. Pardon me. Goodnight, I must wake at 1. X all x

I've been telling myself that I should write in here but I didn't really had anything to. So I thought that I should post a few photos of my last trip. Here we go, Penang with my family and Cl, 21st to 23rd June. I'm extremely proud of myself for that trip, if I may say so myself. I booked air tickets, coordinated my whole family and Cl's schedule to fit in those 3 days, itinerary, hotel tickets myself omg. How did I manage to do that. I baffle myself. It certainly isn't difficult for most of you but it was hell for me. I get stressed when I have to plan my work schedule for the next month every 14th of the month. Needless to say a whole trip. God.

Second day at the temple with a HUGE reclining buddha. Don't really have that many pictures cause I didn't have a camera then and my dad was more interested in shooting waterlilies and monkeys (You'll get what I'm talking about soon). Cl and my brother refused to go in cause they had to remove their shoes. What a reason to miss one of the stops of my intricately planned itinerary. So my dad and I took a walk around the temple and found more statues and urns. I made it a point to read all of the signs at the foot of each and every single statue and now I can't remember what is what.

Only group shot during the trip. Hahahaha but well. X

See monkey. On a horizontal tree. I kid. Too lazy to rotate the pic ha a a a a.

Tram to tour Penang Hill. See the yellow bottle in my hand? That's cornboy. Had this whole obsession about bubbles then and I told Cl I would fight a 5 year old for her bubble gun till I get one myself. Cl was sleeping in the car with cornboy around his neck the whole day haha how corny is that. Ok not funnyZ.

And a waterlily. With this I end my entry alongside one of the best memories of funfair rides with a water pool as a wishing well, sneaking out after everyone has slept for 2 cigars (Vanilla and Berry) and cigarettes or just sweets, snacks, drinks at 7-11 at Prangin Mall, circling 3 malls at 3am in a bid to "explore" Penang Town ourselves then realizing that what we did was just to walk a whole detour back to our hotel, Nanny McPhee and the Big Bana (L-O-L really), KFC's black pepper chicken, banana boat and parasailing epic fail, waking up in the middle of the two boys who mean the most to me then fighting over who  wash up first (no one wanted to wake up), ironically those two fuckers were the ones who left me to shower listening to an indian show that was airing on tv through the speakers in the toilet, the hired car driver who could compete a snail in a Who-Is-Slower race, falling asleep in the car from point to point, GURNEY DRIVE (Ah the laughter and best wanton mee and Penang char kway teow, how could we forget), the rain, and the company of the 4 people who mean the world to me. Night all x